Stop Trying to Always Be Helpful

A friend was telling me about a presentation she heard, in which the speaker said the world had become too complex for any one approach to work all the time. That was when it hit me that trying to be kind, helpful or compassionate all the time is the wrong approach.

In the diagram above, I've outlined a simple example of three situations in which you will be pulled away from a helpful mindset:

1. When you are responsible for a group of people (i.e. your family, team or organization), it isn't always possible for you to be kind and considerate to every other person who crosses your path.

Imagine you are a carpenter who promised to finish a client's job by Friday, at which point he will pay you the money you need to feed your family. If a friend asks you to take Thursday afternoon off to help him move, you will need to refuse.

2. When you make a long-term commitment to develop and use your best talents, you should recognize that this commitment will cause you to miss many other opportunities to be helpful, to have fun, and to simply relax. If you want to be a physician, there are going to be plenty of nights in medical school when you don't even see your friends, never mind help them.

3. Finally, when you focus intently on a goal or purpose, being helpful cannot always be your #1 goal, because the object of your focus is your #1 goal.

This is obvious, right? Wrong.

Have you ever wondered about the saying, "Nice guys finish last?" The reason people say this is because many very nice human beings don't understand the first half of this article. They don't understand that some responsibilities have to take precedence over their desire to be helpful, kind or compassionate.

Yes, there are some things you can always do: 

• Be respectful
• Be responsible
• Be decent

But you can't always help everyone. You can't always respond instantly to someone who wanders into your life and asks for a favor. You can't always switch gears just because someone asks you to focus on what matters most to them.

The people who are best at helping others already understand this. They recognize that there are times to be helpful, and they love these moments. But they also know that many people depend on them, not just the person with the newest or loudest voice.